The 90 Day Rule

In MAGAZINE on January 4, 2012 at 3:51 am

Sharday Jones

I may not be popular amongst the ladies for saying this, but I think the 90 Day Rule is garbage!
When we take a second to analyze the true motivations for the creation of this rule in the first place, we
realize that it’s a reactive move made on a woman’s part to manipulate and dominate a relationship.
Yet, because she’s merely reacting to the perceived notion that having sex too soon makes her easy,
she’s actually being dominated by societal standards that tell her she can’t think for herself. Sexuality
becomes the one thing she can control as the relationship progresses, so she baits the man using sex as
a reward.
Many women create a checklist of all the things we must have in a partner, but we forget to
include in that the recipe for a healthy relationship. One of the most important qualities in a healthy
relationship is open and honest communication, the “keeping it real” factor. But how real are you being
if you enter a relationship with restrictions and limitations that prevent you from exploring your own
desires just so he doesn’t think you’re easy? Do you like this person? Are you curious about intimacy
with him? Are you being real with yourself when you say you won’t engage when you really want to all
because Steve Harvey told you that giving it up before 90 days will knock you out of the running for
It seems that in searching for a good man, women tend to create new personalities in order to
win approval. We follow these rules and read self-help books to figure out how to be the best fit for
him, but when is the last time you heard of a bestselling book about making a woman will want to marry
him? So, why are we really waiting?
The simple answer is that we don’t want to be thought of as easy. When a man is able to waltz
into the va jay jay without investing much time, suddenly, his perspective of the woman changes, and
instead of becoming the next potential Mrs., she becomes a quick fling. But considering that sex is
supposed to be a mutual agreement between two people to share body chemistry, unless a woman is
raped, isn’t it her decision to have sex?
Being easy means that someone has sold you on the idea of having sex with him without putting
investing enough time. The philosophy implies that a man has to convince a woman to have sex with
him. If she does, she loses the game because he tricked her into doing it and not because she actually
wanted to do it. Instead of acting out her own desires, which may be to have sex early on, she has to
prove how hard of a sell she is. Call this irrational, but if you have to sell me on the idea of having sex
with you, shouldn’t you be insecure because that means I wouldn’t have otherwise wanted to have sex
with you? Shouldn’t you feel as though I’m giving you pity p****y?
Secondly, it reiterates the very notion that society spreads through self-help books aimed at
women. It says that in actuality women are not the true catch here…men are. Now, how good does it
make you feel to know that you are chasing a man who’s not chasing you? Yes, he may be courting you,
but because you see sex as a reward that’s given to him as a result of his financial and time investments
over three months and not as a natural enjoyment for both of you to share, he still has the dominant
The 90 day rule is also garbage because it’s selfish. If you truly want to develop a healthy

relationship, there are some fundamental needs that have to be fulfilled, and one of them is sex. It’s not
fair to hold out on someone you’re dating because you want to dictate the progress of the relationship.
You’re selfishly asking that person not to engage in intimacy and romance with you, yet you probably
expect him not to share it with someone else. Sex is a necessity for healthy, adult relationships, and men
need sex the way women need verbal reassurance.
If having sex before 90-days eliminates you from being wifey, then it should also eliminate him
from being hubby. You are both equally qualified people, and your elimination is merely a reflection of
his fear. Men are intimidated by a woman who is comfortable enough with herself to sleep with a man
before society says it’s okay. This is evident in his lack of self-reflection as he’s judging you for engaging
in the same sex he just had.
If you’re not ready to have sex until after 90 days, let it be because you don’t yet feel connected
to a person enough to share yourself and not because of a myth that says you will be disqualified from
the wifey running. Sex is a beautiful experience that should be shared between adults, not a tool used to
dominate a relationship. If you really vibe with a person, the chemistry should guide you two naturally,
and you should be mature enough to know that the success of your relationship should not be a one-
sided evaluation on whether or not you gave it up too quickly. Know your worth, and so will he!

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